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There is one set of couple in marriage getting angry, frustrated, sad, depressed and sorry for each other and the other set of couple very Compassionate, Playful and Happy. What is the difference? The most important need in a Happy Marriage is the need for Passionate Conversation and when this need is not fulfilled by either of the partners, challenges and conflicts in Marriage begin.

You may be thinking, “I talk with my spouse all the time.” Many a times the conversation couples have is about finding faults of each other. What is wrong with the other partner, who should be blamed and who is guilty, who said what and why did he/she say something like this to me…!

So instead of having a Passionate Conversation with each other, couples enter into a Blame Game and converse about each other and that too, only the negatives.

Passionate Conversation may raise up all kinds of thoughts for both men and women like dating, candlelight dinner, soft music, longing looks, lengthy phone calls, intimate talks between partners or as simple as it may seem, to talk to each other. But Passionate Conversations are much much more.

So what is Passionate Conversation?

When I say “Passionate Conversation” I mean dreaming together, sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other instead of bottling it up. It’s looking into the eyes and giving that emotional space to each other, it’s about appreciating and acknowledging each other’s needs and desire, it’s about being interested to be interesting. It’s about one partner speaking and the other listening with focus and giving that undivided attention which every spouse needs for love, care and affection from each other.

There is a lot of Passionate Conversations before Marriage, Imagine what happens when the couple is dating, they have a passionate conversation and enjoy it … they treat each other with love, care and affection. Even if they are away from each other, they are connected by phone and they love to talk for long and there is romance in their talk. This conversation fulfills their emotional need to be connected and loved.

This is easy before marriage as there are no kids to distract, no other family members in the conversation, no pressures of balancing the roles & responsibility, no worries of finances, no obligations towards the in-laws and no annoying habits to live with.

However after marriage, the routines set in and eat away your time and your desire to passionately converse with your spouse. Expectations from each other grows higher and each wants the other to understand. Perhaps you’ve grown distant in your relationship and you spend more and more time in your occupation and you’re your children than you do with each other.

Enemies of Passionate Conversations:

1. The Technological Gadgets: so, where is the passionate conversations happening…?
2. The Selfie Culture: It all about me, me, me
3. Orders and Demands: If you start telling each other what to do and what not…
4. Disrespect: How can you say something stupid like this to me…
5. Anger: You lose control on your conversation and you criticize, ridicule, blame, offend, hurt your partner…
6. Dwelling on Past Mistakes: Having a mindset and not forgiving the past mistakes…

How do you have Passionate Conversation?

It’s important to turn off the television or put your mobile away and look into each other’s eyes while you converse. Really listen and understand. If you do this regularly, you will start to see your spouse with depth and color. You’ll begin to appreciate his or her ambitions and desires.

To bring back the romance in your married life, lets focus on Passionate Conversation which is fulfilling the Emotional Needs of each other.

1. Expressing Love & Affection: the golden phrase “I love you”, “you are such a darling” sharing these tender and affectionate words with each other which impacts the spouse.
2. Giving Significance and Importance to each other. Instead of pointing out all of the ways your spouse regularly disappoints you, start to look for the positive attributes. Take the opportunity to express your heartfelt appreciation and acknowledge one another for however small or routine the act it. Putting the spouse needs over and above our own needs.
3. Sharing the Certainty, Confidence and Trust in each other by holding hands at times of conflict and crises and believing in each other.
4. Having Excitement by sharing small gestures of fun and surprise. Marriage isn’t business and transactions. Laugh a little, play a little, tease a little. Remember the dating days.. share a joke, watch a film, cherish an ice cream,
5. Continuously focusing on Growth and Contribution in each other lives and making a difference by being selfless, lowering our expectations and serving each other.

Emotions creates conversations, so if your emotions are sad, dull, fatigue, hopeless, worry, depression, anger guess what kind of conversations you will have and if your emotions are about love, romance, ecstasy, compassion guess what kind of conversations you will have and as a result what kind of life you will have…! Relationships are not about a job or a chore to do but about Passionate Conversations..!

Passionate Conversation is the key to Romance for happy Married Life ever after..!

Written By :-
Shabbar Suterwala
Psychological Counsellor, Corporate Soft Skills Trainer, Life Coach